manchester gays. you will probably get mugged.

liverpool like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.

newcastle probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.

leeds it's a lot cheaper than london

bradford leeds but awful

nottingham gun death capital of the uk!

derby intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.

hull violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here

leicester i'm not sure this is a real place

york this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment

birmingham NO.

brighton & hove more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. basically if san francisco was british.

portsmouth there is literally nothing here.

southampton exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk

bristol you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.

cardiff you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.

plymouth post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.

penzance everyone here is from london now.

london no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.

cambridge windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.

oxford same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london

edinburgh a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.

glasgow it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.

aberdeen las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably

belfast do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.

wolverhampton really, really don't.

norwich count people's fingers. mutations walk here.

coventry like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.

sheffield poster-child for world war 3. good luck finding somebody with teeth.